Ambivalence & resistance
The emotional currents of welcoming a new year
An ambivalence has hovered overhead as I’ve contemplated what to write on the eve of this new year.
I’ve felt a strange resistance to the coming change, all the while knowing that January 1st will be here whether I want it to be or not. It wasn’t until I sat down at my desk to journal through this resistance, and to dance with this ambivalence, that I noticed the real sentiment lingering beneath the surface: I’m afraid. I’m afraid to dream big, set goals, and make plans for the new year because I’ve seen too many dreams, goals, and plans go by the wayside when life gets underway. As I flip through old journals and scroll through old pictures in my phone, I’m reminded of all the hopes I had this time last year. I’m reminded of all those possibilities that didn’t come to fruition. I don’t mean to be a downer here; I simply want to make space for the real. The real is that I’m carrying immense grief and disappointment into 2025 and the weight makes it difficult to lift my head. Yes, this year also carried tremendous growth, healing, connection and change. I celebrate these gifts. But when it comes to setting intentions and making plans for the new year, so much of me doubts if all the dreaming, goal-setting, and planning will be worth it.
My stationery habit got out of control this year. And delightfully so. I love planners, stickers, fountain pens and ink. One of the highlights of 2024 was doing a deep dive into all things stationery and making a real hobby of it. So as I sit here contemplating the weight of disappointment that hinders my ability to dream, I must also note the beautiful Hobonichi Hon (A5) 2025 planner on my desk. It is full of blank monthly, weekly, and daily calendar spreads, all practically begging me to bust out my pens and get on with planning my year. The pages are blank and there are no guarantees, which sparks a sort of delight in my spirit. Knowing that tomorrow is truly a blank page means that anything is possible. It means we are still writing the story. And while we may not have the final say on which lines will make the cut, we do get to put our version of things out there. We do get to submit our requests. We do get to set our intentions and to define what we think is worth pursuing. We may not have control, but we do have agency, which means that dreaming again is worth it every time.
I suppose this blog is a bit of a pep-talk to myself at the end of a long, challenging, and transformative year. I hope it encourages you to know that if you’re carrying grief and disappointment at this threshold of changing time, you’re not alone. If you’re feeling despair and it’s making it difficult for you to imagine a desirable future, know that you are not alone. Our lives carry these nuances, and I’m increasingly convinced that our soul work as humans is to learn how to hold the whole lot of it—the magic, the messiness, the shadow, the light—all of it. Some years will bring tremendous uplift, glory and breakthrough. Others will be like wading through the mud. This is the reality of a full life.
My goal for today is to let myself dream again. My goal is to let the blankness of my new planner spark possibility in my soul. I am hopeful. I don’t have specific outcomes in mind for 2025, but I do have hopeful intentions that this coming year will be full of healing. I intend to leave a lot of margin for whatever surprises this year will bring. I intend to keep my list of projects and responsibilities very short so that I can play and create at will. I also intend to alchemize my soul’s grief and disappointment by speaking the truth of it to those who want to listen. Speaking our disappointments out loud can keep them from metastasizing in the body. Movement is critical.
As we cross this threshold into a new year, I hope you’re able to be present with whatever is most real for you today. If joy is real for you, be all there. If sadness is real for you, be all there. Emotions are messengers, bringing us the insight we need to make data-informed decisions about our lives. So be present, listen well, and may you find connection and grace as you journey into 2025.
With much love, and curiosity about what’s shimmering for you from this reflection,
Happy New Year
This is probably the most resonant New Year post I've read. Thank you for tenderly holding all these complicated things together...this way forward, of embracing the whole, is the conclusion I've drawn, too.
Thank you, as always, for your honest, vulnerable, heartfelt, and hope-filled writing. Happy 2025, Bethaney ❤️