Baptized in the real

On leaving Instagram and the cocoon stage of healing

Image by Mary Claire Photo

I deactivated my Instagram accounts about two weeks ago.

Or, I think it’s been two weeks. I haven’t been counting.

This is a change I’ve wanted to make for a long time. As an author, however, deciding to not be on social media for any period of time feels like breaking a golden rule. And I’m a rule follower y’all, even when those rules don’t serve my highest good.

Have you ever yearned for silence? For quiet? For privacy? Have you ever wondered how being “in the know” about everything, and everyone, all the dang time is impacting your mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing?

I’ve felt it. I’ve wondered about it. And opting out of the Instagram grind, at least for the foreseeable future, seemed to be my only choice. What has followed in the days since leaving has been nothing short of a baptism in the realness of life, along with a painful though necessary on-ramp into what I’m told is called the “cocoon phase” of healing.

Addicted much?

My first observation after deactivating my Instagram accounts was discovering all the moments I turned to Instagram as a sort of pacifier to soothe me as I moved through the hardest parts of my day. Felt unappreciated by a coworker? Cool, lemme get on Instagram. Felt unheard by my husband? Cool, lemme scroll it out. Feeling sad and powerless about politics? Okay, lemme get on The Gram to find more information. I noticed, pretty quickly, how much I was relying on Instagram to soothe all of these achy places inside, places I’d rather avoid or wish away.

It was a funny observation at first. I would just laugh at myself when the urge to grab my phone would pop-up. But as the days progressed, I realized, Wow, this really has been my go-to coping mechanism for some time. Who might I be without it? Can I become her?

These are questions I’m living.

This week I went to ann acupuncturist for the first time. She told me that our first order of business is to help me de-stress and learn how to let things go. I chuckled to myself. Sounds about right. Disrupting the patterns of one’s coping mechanisms really does throw a wrench into the whole “decompression” thing. We’ll see how it goes.

Real news only

After noting the more addictive elements of my relationship to Instagram, I realized that I actually did miss the news. I missed the real-time updates about what’s going on in the world. It’s worth noting that I have not missed everyone’s commentary and hot-takes about what’s going in the news, but I did miss being up-to-speed on politics, the economy, etc.

And then, as if by magic, I remembered all the other ways I can get information about what’s happening in the world. I was already dialed into my favorite podcast, Pantsuit Politics. With their premium content, I get daily news briefs and daily deep dives into important aspects of American life. In addition to the podcast, I subscribed to a couple of online news publications, namely Axios. They send these concise, informed articles about business, the economy, politics, world events and more.

There’s also been the tremendous gift of simply talking to the people in my life about what they’re seeing, hearing, and learning. I’m able to hold a few curated perspectives with thoughtfulness and intention instead of being bombarded with more information than one human can reasonably hold. It’s been wonderful, lovely, and blissfully limited. On this point, I have no regrets.

Free to be human

Social media has a way of putting all of us on the content creator conveyor belt. Okay, maybe not all of us, but a lot of us. There’s this pressure to perform so many aspects of our lives and to make it look effortless. In the circle’s I run in, the content is also meant to be spiritually enriching, socially engaged, justice-forward, etc.

To speak less broadly and more personally, I felt like I was supposed to use the precious hours of my one, holy life brainstorming clever hook phrases, formatting them into 30-second videos, recording them masterfully, writing an unforgettable caption and then praying for the algorithm gods to actually show my tiny, perfectly crafted video to the folks who’ve opted in to following my work. I was supposed to do this consistently enough to “keep up engagement” but not so often as to “annoy my followers,” which meant also experimenting to discover the exact time of day, day of the week, and time of the year to share said piece of content. Oh, and if there’s a massive world-changing event in the news (because those are rare) make sure the content speaks to that world event in a way that is dignifying, humble, well-informed and invites people into the best version of themselves. Oh, and never mind the literal thousands of other tiny videos, images, and stories vying for people’s already limited attention, because you know, “comparison is the thief of joy.” And don’t worry because if your stuff is “good enough,” it will perform well. And if it doesn’t perform well, it’s okay. Just work harder next time.

Yeah, I know it doesn’t feel like this to everyone. It’s how it felt to me.

Stepping away for a time has given me so much space to just be human. To make my coffee without capturing video content. To share a beautiful thought with my husband as it crosses my mind instead of writing it in my notes app for a future post. To stand outside, watching the morning sun, and to just feel it on my face without snapping a selfie. To cry when I’m sad, to change my mind, to journal my doubts without thinking, How do I make this relevant for people online? To live and love and lead and change and for it to just be.

What a sweet gift it is to just be.

Cocooning

It’s been a couple of weeks since I shared a post here on Substack. When I sat down to write this, I was reminded of the idea of having a “cocoon stage” as we heal. It may seem disconnected from the Instagram bit, but go with me here.

In a tweet¹, the Holistic Psychologist, Dr. Nicole La Pera, describes the cocoon stage as “the pull to disappear, be alone, and spend time actually getting to know who you are.”

A writer at Psychology Today² says it differently:

[Cocooning] is the stage when we realize that our life is shifting and the old ways of doing things are no longer working for us. We have outlived the caterpillar stage, the stage where we have been living according to the social conditioning and needs of others and now need to move on to seek a deeper connection to ourselves, our identity, and to the rest of our life.

The cocoon represents the protective space we need to enter this transformation, a time and a place to reflect and figure it all out.

As the cocoon stage is about change, it is a challenging time, as we surrender the life we were living in order to forge a closer connection to who we really are at our core.

The phrases about cocooning that are resonating most for me are:

the pull to disappear

the old way of doing things is no longer working

living according to the social conditioning of others

who we really are at our core.

I want to read more about the cocooning phase of soul growth because I think leaving Instagram, for a time, has something to do with the changes I’m growing through. I’m noting it here for those of you who are finding yourself in a similar place of disorientation and evolution. May you have the courage to opt-out of whatever feels chaotic and noisy, distracting you from the real. And may you know the grace it is to honor your soul’s need for privacy, for connection to your inner life, and for the freedom to just be a human.

Due to the nature of my life right now, inclusive of this cocooning phase I appear to be in, I can’t say for certain when my next post will be. Weekly is always my goal, but life happens and my renewed commitments are to honor the realness and limitations of the life unfolding within and around me. Thank you for your patience with my inconsistency.

If there’s been something noteworthy or helpful to you in these reflections, please let me know by commenting below. I love hearing from you all. It really is the best. Otherwise, see you when I see you.

Much love,

Bethaney

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1. https://twitter.com/Theholisticpsyc/status/1588988242950787072

2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-search-meaning-after-age-50/201804/the-3-stages-in-the-midlife-search-meaning